Sign #1: Your sweetie
keeps you a secret from his/her family & friends
Cheaters keep you in the dark while they play in the light. Your relationship
won’t work if you’re getting what I call the Shadow Treatment. The Shadow Treatment
means that you are often kept waiting in the wings while your mate is out
socializing. Think about it: Are there gatherings of friends, family reunions
or workplace parties that you are not invited to? Do you only meet some of your
honey’s network of friends? If you are kept on the sidelines, there’s probably
a good reason. Maybe your sweetie is on the prowl for someone else. Or perhaps
there is already someone else and so your role in his or her life can’t be made
public. Anytime you are kept on the fringes once you believe you are an
exclusive couple, be suspicious. And know that the only way to end Shadow
Treatment is to stop accepting it. Once you challenge it, you will either be
fully accepted in your sweetheart’s life… or know it’s time to leave.
Sign #2: Your sweetie is emotionally absent
Cheaters conceal their emotional whereabouts so they can be evasive about their
physical whereabouts. Love is exhausting when you have to pry the truth out of
a partner.
An emotionally absent partner may say what you want to hear, but will not
change his or her actions—unless he or she wants to. Saying the right thing and
doing the right thing are very different. If your honey talks a good game about
spending more time with you and paying more attention to you but never
delivers—look out! This person may be juggling multiple relationships.
Sign #3: Your sweetie says he or she wants a no-strings-attached romance
If someone says, “I don’t want a commitment,” take the sucker at his or her
word. Don’t fall into that “I’ll be the one to change all that!” trap. Cheaters
rebel against control and might even have an affair to spite a partner who
wants to rein him or her in.
Too often, people ignore the clear message a potential date sends. If someone
tells you, “I’m not into serious relationships,” “I won’t give up my freedom,”
“I’m not ready to settle down,” or anything resembling that, take a giant step
back! He or she is clearly telling you, “I want to play the field.” If you
pursue the person anyway, hoping for an exclusive relationship, you may find
yourself two-timed and broken-hearted. Never push a person into a situation he
or she doesn’t want to be in. Never pursue a committed relationship with
someone who tells you he or she doesn’t want one.
Sign # 4: Your sweetie admits to cheating on exes—and justifies the
betrayals
Cheaters rationalize their behavior to let themselves off the hook. The way
they justify their actions tells much about their character.
Listen to the excuses for past cheating your sweetie uses. Here are a couple
I’ve heard from clients in my therapy practice over the years:
Everyone
has a tale to tell. But are these rationalizations — or any rationalizations —
acceptable to you? A person who admits to infidelities in the past and explains
them away has a good chance of straying again. He or she has not taken
responsibility for past actions, nor worked through the issues involved.
Sign #5: Your sweetie has never been without a mate
Cheaters won’t ride solo… ever! Leaving one romance and hopping into a new
one — or having simultaneous affairs at once — doesn’t leave time for assessing
whatever went wrong. They don’t bother with introspection; their focus is
squarely set on pulling new people into their orbit. If you are dating a person
who shares a romantic history that always involves finding a new partner before
breaking up with the current partner, take heed. This person may think of his
or her mate only as void-fillers. Filling a void is never a basis for lasting
love.
Sign #6: Your sweetie tells lies about little things
Cheaters lie about everything, which leads you to question their truth from
their fiction. When the need to embroider overshadows the desire to be honest,
the relationship becomes a sham.
If you are dating someone who seems to be untruthful about mundane topics —
where he or she had lunch, what he or she is doing on Sunday morning — take
note. The lies probably run deep. As my Gilda-Gram warns, “Without truth, there
is no love.”
Sign # 7: Your sweetie brags about his or her sex appeal
Cheaters are insecure, and need to attract constant attention on the side. They
flaunt their popularity in attempts to boost their own low self-esteem.
If a partner boasts how in demand he or she is, recognize how insecure he or
she really is—and steer clear. This person probably needs more ego-stroking
than any one person can provide… and will look where he or she has to in
order to find it.
So now you know the signs that indicate that maybe your sweetie isn’t such a
sweetie after all. Life and love are all about learning. Remember this
Gilda-Gram
: “Everyone who touches you, teaches you.” Instead of getting bummed
out about a cheater who stole your heart, think of what you learned, and how
your experience got you to grow. Your new insight will arm you to attract
someone more trustworthy in the future.
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